When I was younger and trying to discover who I was I would take a lot of personality quizzes. In part. I wanted to see if someone had a better explanation to why I acted differently than other people. I wanted someone to conjure up a perfect description so I didn't have to. This was also around the same time where I would constantly read my horoscope thinking that if I had some insight into what would happen in my life then I would be more prepared and make a more educated decision. Of course with horoscopes, depending when you were born you fall under a certain sign. This sign usually pertains to your character. I remember discovering that being born in July I was a Cancer, just a day short from being a Leo but it wasn't meant to be. I recall feeling disappointed. The name wasn't cool, while other people had more whimsical signs like Pisces and Gemini. I also associated it with the deadly illness. It felt like a disease rather than something to brag about. It became more troublesome when my descriptions always started with emotionally turbulent and too sensitive as adjectives.
Cancer derives from the word crab, being that cancers are usually hermit-like, very reserved individuals. It took me a while to come to terms with it. However, it also mentioned that they're very nurturing people and I agree. Since I could remember, I always valued family and close relationships. I would overly coddle anyone that I felt very near to, to the point of smothering. I knew that I wanted children at some point and I knew that nothing mattered more than home. To establish a place where I felt safe and comfortable always was a priority. Parenthood seemed like something I could do.
Whenever I thought of pregnancy I always pictured a smiling woman with a protruding belly in a field of daisies. I thought silk ribbons and baby showers. I thought cute decorations and sunlight coming in through a airy window as the smell of a fine pastry fills the air. In short, I thought it was something tender and oddly feminine in that it was like dreaming. This was influenced by all the TV shows, films and books that illustrate it this way. However, I soon came to realize that this is not always the case and in fact rarely is.
Some women have the most splendid of pregnancies and I admire that. They have no trouble conceiving and usually have no complications throughout. Not even the uncomfortable stuff like heartburn and constantly throwing up. I wish my experience had been like that but I would not trade the experience I've had for it. It has made me appreciate things more. It's almost reassured my belief that life is not meant to be looked at through a rose colored eye. No ever talks about the unmentionables.
If you look through any pregnancy or baby books, it's always talk about the most superficial of things. Not that it isn't important, but sometimes in detail explanations to the point of too much information is necessary. I'd rather be told the reality as opposed to soft cushioning it for me.
Coming at the end of my pregnancy I feel like now is a good time to reflect. Some mothers claim to forget about the entire experience once the baby is here and I'd like to give my take while it's still fresh in my mind.
Something that reflects how I felt about pregnancy was the film Alien. That's how it felt. Like something happening inside your body you have little control over. In fact, in the first stages of development the fetus even looks like some extraterrestrial being. You feel like you have no autonomy over your body, you're kind of just letting it happen to you and hope that nothing will go wrong. Even the way it bursts out of your stomach (if you're having a cesarean) is reminiscent. That's one of the biggest thing I had issues coming to term with. I'm very orderly and obsessive in nature. I like to have control of everything around me, even if it's just an illusion of it. So being stripped of this I felt like I was having a dissociative episode. Like the reigns had been passed down to something so minuscule and I could only stand there and watch whether I wanted to or not. That's not to say that this pregnancy was unwanted. In fact, someone that suffers from PCOS, a syndrome that makes cycles very random and has a lot of fertility problems associated with it, it was difficult to become pregnant. It wasn't until I finally went in for treatment did I have any luck at all. When I first found out it was thrilling, it felt like something long awaited finally coming into fruition.
Another thing people, doctors, and books rarely talk about is that if you have any mental disorder it is usually heightened with pregnancy because your hormones start elevating and your entire body starts changing quickly to accommodate a growing fetus. It saddens me that it is deeply overlooked because I didn't know that when first becoming pregnant until experiencing it first hand and doing extensive research into it until I found other moms that suffered as well and they held the same sentiments: that it was often not talked about. It should be discussed, in the same way that if any parent has ailments like high blood pressure or heart disease it's important to note because it can affect both the baby and the mother as well.
As someone that has struggled with anxiety disorders all my life but has managed to assuage it over the past few years, I was suddenly met with a new bolt of feelings that I thought I had managed to keep under control. You're usually told that new moms are prone to overreacting and worrying for nothing and that it's totally normal until it's not. In fact, these feelings were far more uncomfortable than the physical symptoms. I could bear the overwhelming heartburn that made me avoid favorite spicy foods, I could overlook the awkward weight gain and constipation. I could make do with the treacherous fucking morning sickness that lasts well through the morning but mentally, the smallest thing would make me weak.
I remember after the first couple weeks I started having panic attacks as soon as I woke up. I would wake up and immediately my heart would escalate into a troublesome jitter and my hands would become clammy. I wouldn't even be out of bed by the time I started hyperventilating and it was made even worse when morning sickness started becoming something I had to deal with not just in the morning but 24/7. Triggered by even the slightest of smells. It just made my emotional battery drain completely. Because I was so stressed not knowing how to cope with such strong emotions, I would go into bouts of crying for hours on end. I wouldn't be able to speak with someone without feeling like my eyes would overflow and my voice begin to shake. It was embarrassing but mostly it was exhausting. I thought all those negative emotions I had tried so hard to overcome, all my efforts had diminished in just a span of a couple days. I finally broke down and spoke to my OB-GYN telling her how I felt. She prescribed me an anti-anxiety medication in a small dose that is safe to take. The medication Buspirone seems to have a lot of controversy in online forums. While many argue that taking any type of medication while pregnant is risky it certainly doesn't outweigh the pros. With such a small dose, perhaps it was just the placebo effect but after a couple of months the symptoms started to become less aggravating. They were still there and once in a while I would go into another episode but it was manageable, it was no longer a chore just to wake up in the morning and I am thankful for that.
However, I do think that therapy could equally work as well. Unfortunately for me I couldn't afford it at the time. I also think that more awareness about the different ways a person can react to pregnancy is needed. Yes, I do agree it's an uncomfortable subject to talk about and no one wants to feel like they're going to be told they're being selfish or not appreciative of being able to carry their baby while so many women can't but it's important to let mothers know that they're not alone and shouldn't have to go through it alone if they feel this way. Depression, anxiety and any other mental disorder can cloud ones judgement but with good support you can get through it even in pregnancy. Same goes for women that experience post-partum depression.
Another thing they don't tell you is that you don't have to have a baby shower and that is most definitely okay. I've noticed that a lot of women always talk about the baby shower like it's some sacred right of passage but whenever I've gone to one they always feel strange. It feels intimidating, like being at your 6th year birthday party and everyone is singing happy birthday and then suddenly the Aunt with the golden tooth smashes your face into the cake leaving you unable to breathe and destroying a perfectly good cake. The mother opens presents in front of everyone, reading the cards and carefully showing everyone the item (usually clothing) and smiling cordially. There's usually duplicates or an abundance of clothes people think you'll like and you just end up leaving in the closet until the baby is too big for it and you pack it into a box where it gets donated. Now I do think baby showers are wonderful if you really want one but you don't need one. It seems there's such strict traditions when it comes to parenthood and it's always seemed a little ridiculous to me.
After the 20 week mark things did start to improve. I had more energy than all those weeks of lethargy and I started feeling a sense of normalness again. One that I thought I wouldn't experience in a while. I started getting back to things I enjoyed doing like painting and reading books.
In fact, once I discovered the gender and finally saw features in an ultrasound it was relieving and it felt much more real. It felt like this was actually happening, my boyfriend and I were going to be parents. Until then, there was an unconscious detachment. A feeling that although we were past the difficult stage, it was hard to imagine holding a full-sized human baby in our arms. It didn't feel completely true. Once you hear the heartbeat, once you see the features so prominent in both you and your partner you can't help but feel this reassurance, this needed calming boost that all of this hard work is leading up to something.
While many people argue that it is almost asinine to have children at too young at an age I don't think there's a goldie locks age where it's perfect to become parents and everything will somehow fall into place had you waited three more years or done it 5 years earlier. You're going to make mistakes regardless. You can be 38 and being a first time mom will still be equally frightening and new had you decided to have a child at 25. Some people do mature faster than others and if you don't think you're responsible enough or if your lifestyle doesn't deem it a safe environment for a child to grow up in then it's definitely important to think things through. Some people just don't find the point of bearing children and most don't care for providing stability and nurture to someone else and that's fine. Others just want to live their youth without consequence or want to focus on careers before anything else. What bothers me is that when they people see young parents they immediately assume that they're going to mess up and that their children will grow up to be poor, bratty-no manners-had a tough childhood life kids and that's not true. I've known many people that grew up in wealthy neighborhoods whose parents provided and gave them everything they wanted and they grew up to be some of the most obnoxious the-world-is-my-oyster type of individuals.
Like with all things, pregnancy is a strange and personal journey for everyone and it will always vary depending on who you are and where you are at that stage in your life. I'm not through learning and everything new while I take it with great apprehension and unimaginable nervousness it doesn't stop me from appreciating it. Like riding a roller coaster. Once it's over it's something to reflect on and it doesn't stop you from going on it again.
Although I have no idea what birth and parenthood have in store for me I do greet it with trembling arms and hope for the best because it's all I can do. For the longest time, the unknown has always scared me and I've come to terms with the knowledge that the most beautiful things come from the unexpected and often confusing. I am absolutely in love and content with how things have transpired and while I've tried to read every possible article about having the easiest birth I know that it won't actually prepare me for the real deal.
Like all those personality quizzes and horoscope descriptions have said, I do honor the home. I will spend hours trying to make a place seem inviting and warm. Although I don't believe in astrology, I have learned to appreciate the sign cancer. I see it as a nice little reminder that even though I may be described as emotionally volatile and sensitive, I can also thrive confidently if I feel safe and have support from those I cherish the most. I've acknowledged that everything has the potential to be good or bad depending on how you want to look at it.
As always,
thank you for reading
sincerely,
your mother narrator
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